Color

Photo A Day April Day #2: Color



Photo A Day April

Okay, I've seriously been slacking. So I figured I would do the photo a day challenge for April...I'd have to post something everyday! And I know it's 'photo' a day...but I figured I'm going to post a few photos for each day.

Also, I just sent out Velle's Easter care package. But he's a stalker so he'll be check to see what I sent so I'm going to wait until after he gets it to write about it!

Here's the photo a day challenge:

Today is your reflection. I took one of these today for Instagram (I'm obssessed!!) but the rest are past ones that I like. Enjoy!

<3

Nightmares...

Since I was a child I have incredibly scary nightmares. I wake up some nights screaming, thrashing, the whole bit. But the majority of the time I wake up remembering something small, heart pounding, and can't fall back asleep for hours. And there's other times Velle tells me I jump in my sleep or fight him and I wake up not really remembering those.

Since Velle left my nightmares focus mainly on his deployment. I've had dreams where he's died, where he's missing, where I'm patiently waiting at the airport but he ignores me as he gets off the plane. That kinda of stuff. Mostly just the stuff that scares me to death. (I don't really think Velle will ignore me, it's more I'm afraid we won't know each other or be okay with each other.)


In the dream, they didn't know if he was alive or dead. Which in my waking scared me more because in reality I didn't know either. Days went by and I pretty much lost it.

These nightmares scare me to death. They bring to my forebrain all the fears I try all day to push back and push back. I wake up freaking out and don't really calm down until I talk to him again. Which most recently was about four days and the nightmare played over and over when I fell asleep until it was at the point I just couldn't sleep.

It's scary not knowing anythin.g about the person you love. What they're doing at that exact moment. What they're thinking about. Whether they're safe. It scares me to death. I feel like keeping myself incredibly busy keeps my mind off it...but when it's the middle of the night and you've dreamt the worst, how can you not think the worst?

I need some serious help with my anxiety or something.

I just can't wait til he comes home.

Camo Connect

Hellooo!

I just wanted to quickly say I recently joined a site called Camo Connect. It's meant to specifically join military significant others together to support each other during deployments, distance and just everything military. I'm kinda obsessed with it now. It's really nice to see some pictures/etc of women going through what I go through.

Blogger does that for me too by that way :)

But anyway, thought you military S/O's would like to take a look.

Playing Catch Up

I haven't blogged in awhile. And I haven't really talked about what's going on with me... mostly because it's a whole bunch of nothing. I'm working constantly around 50 plus hours a week. And therefore, I'm not doing anything when I'm home besides relaxing, talking to Velle, etc.

I'm having some difficulty dealing with my friends here at home. They all seem to think I should be normal. I've been working a lot to keep myself busy, but it means I'm lazy the rest of the day. That being said, they also seem to think since he's been gone so long I won't be upset about it anymore. But it couldn't be further from the truth. I have moments of complete clarity and normalcy. There are other moments where I want nothing more than to go back to bed.

The problem with civilian friends as much as they want to be there for you. They can't. Not in the right ways. They don't understand why you want to put off a movie because a last minute Skype date. Why on earth you carry your phone everywhere and want it to be fully charged no matter what. They don't get why sometimes you burst into tears at the silly stuff. They try to be sympathetic..."I would be really sad too...Are you ok?...Do you need anything, anything at all?"

But they can't really know what it's like. I feel bad for my friends because I feel like they are trying to understand, but they also bug me. My one friend and I recently got into a little disagreement because after not hearing from my boy for a week he contacted me an hour before I was supposed to go over to her house and wanted to Skype. She told me it was a stupid excuse to blow her off. It really hurt my feelings because she completely did not get it. But then again, I can feel understand why she felt ditched.

It's complicated. I'm just in need of a close military spouse friend who can relate. And I need to find some balance between this crazy Army life and my civilian one too.

Tragedy At Home

Today a horrific act was committed. A student opened fire at a local high school killing one and injuring four more students. Read the story here.

This school... Chardon High School...is less than ten minutes from my high school and childhood home. I can't count how many times I've been there for sports events, July 4th fireworks, everything. I have multitudes of friends who went to Chardon and know several families who still have children there.

This incident shook me to my very core. I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone. You literally couldn't trip without someone hearing about it less than a minute later. Chardon is considered a city population wise (as of like a year or two ago), however it's a small community too. Chardon was the center of the rural county I grew up in, and therefore considered a very intricate part of our community. I have close knit connections to that town and the high school. Everyone in Geauga County is hurt and mourning this terrible act. In fact my Twitter and Facebook have been blowing up from my childhood friends and classmates feeling so much pain over what happened.

I am in a state of shock.

The news has literally been saying all day "This could happen anywhere." And that the students saying"I would never thought this would happen in Chardon" is just an indictative statment of teenagers. What they don't understand is just how TRUE that is.

First, watch the video in the article I posted. Everyone in the press conference is on the verge of tears and hurting. The entire community is in shock and sadness. Second, violence DOES NOT happen in our community. My parents chose our town because of it's low crime rates and great school scores. The entire county of Geauga is like that. It's a rural community, most of it's economy is based on agriculture or small factories. Geauga County holds the 3rd largest Amish population in the country, just to give you an idea. The majority of the county is related by blood to someone else, there is hardly anyone (with perhaps the exception of my family) that didn't grow up in Geauga County and has generations of family all over the county. Chances are if you were to throw three stones, two of them would hit people who are related to each other.



Maple Festival, "Downtown" Chardon

 Everyone cares for everyone. Everyone knows everyone. I know a lot of families who don't lock their doors while they are at home. What's the point? You'd probably know the person who walked into your house anyway. Most families have acres of land, so it's nearly impossible to imagine someone walking through all that to just steal something.

Violence is not common. In fact, you rarely hear about someone hurting someone else. The last great tragedy we had as a community is a family that lost a son in a terrible work accident. People just don't go around shooting each other. People don't hurt each other. It just doesn't happen.

The fact is, something was wrong with this young teenager who felt his only option was to hurt people. Even in small communities like ours, bullying is commonplace. But that does not condone these terrible acts. The world can be a harsh place, and knowing the difference between the right and wrong way to deal with it is something parents should teach their children everyday.

I am thinking constantly of the families of the victims which I have many connections to. I ask that you all hug the people you love today. Especially if you have children. Teach them what to do in situations like these. Teach them right from wrong. Making sure your kids know you love them can really make all the difference.

And send that deployed significant other an 'I love you' via email or whatever. You never know what life is gonna give and take from you.

My Dog

I'm currently at my parents house watching my beautiful doggie dog, Maggie. She's incredibly old and pathetic for the most part, she can barely walk and it takes her about twenty minutes to stand up. And I'm pretty sure she has Doggie Alzheimer's... today for whatever reason, instead of eating her food she decided to rub her nose against the carpet. She rubbed her nose so much and so hard she ripped a good chunk of skin off her nose and she bled everywhere. She still wouldn't eat and my mom told me to give her one of her pills...Which she just gobbled up oddly. I don't know what the pills are but she went larthargic after that and fell asleep.



Maggie this past summer.

Naturally, I bawled like a baby cleaning up her blood and cleaning her nose. I couldn't help thinking about how I was losing her. Slowly, but surely. She'll be 14 this summer, so I've had her for the good majority of my life. So not only is she my best doggie friend, she represents a lot for me. My life here in Ohio. My struggles as a teenager, breakups and the like. Everything. It breaks my heart to think about losing her because I can't imagine life without her. How on earth can I do anything hard ever again without her?

This of course could potentially make deployment a little harder for me. She's been a stand-up support system for me. Every hard obstacle I've had in my life she's been there with her goofy smile and a small lick on the hand. She's not quite the same as she used to be, but dogs are so healing regardless of their mental states. They love you unconditionally and hate to see you hurt. Losing her during this deployment might destroy me.

But when all's said and done, I'm grateful for her. She makes me smile when I need it most. I'm always excited to come to my parent's house to see her. (Yea, I guess to see my parents too. haha) I definately need to get my own dog at home, especially once I lose Maggie. But for now, I have the bestest friend in the world.

Army, Guard, Coastie, WHATEVER

Okay. I'm super upset. I read this on Spousebuzz today. Guard Spouses Aren't Real Army Wives

Now, I'm going to keep this "short" because I feel like if I get going I'm going to hurt my boyfriend, just like this woman has seemingly hurt her husband. (See here) But I just have a couple things I would like to say.

My boyfriend is currently deployed with another unit...but his original unit deployed to Vermont back in September to help with the devastation of Hurricane Irene. Now I'm unsure if this woman happened to be there during Irene, but the devastation (shown here and in the picture below) was awful. People were without power for days. The flooding of businesses and houses was over 7 inches. An entire bridge was swept away.

My boyfriends NATIONAL GUARD unit brought food. Helped to save stranded and missing people. They worked their butts off for 30 days trying to help erase some of the awful devastation that state encountered. They stood side by side with Vermont Guard and those from other states, police, firemen, etc. bringing back some of what was destroyed, especially peace of mind.

Now, Velle wasn't there because they had him all ready going overseas. But I just have one question for this Vermont woman: DID ANYONE YOU KNEW OR LOVED RECIEVE HELP FROM THE NATIONAL GUARD AFTER IRENE? DID YOU?

I wonder. Because to me, this is the single incredible thing that the guard (or any military branch for that matter) does.

Help the citizens of the United States.

It's amazing what our military does overseas, protecting our freedom and the freedom of others. But when it comes down to it, their job is simply this: Protect and Serve the United States of America at home or away.

I find nothing more incredible than watching someone in the military help a civilian, whether it be on the homefront or overseas. In fact, this is thing I'm most proud of. Take the Coast Guard. They are the most under rated, under appreciated group of the military. In fact, most people don't even know they are military. But they are. I have the utmost respect for these MILITARY men and women who risk their lives everyday, even when there isn't a war being fought. Now, tell me...are you going to tell their wives their husbands aren't military next?

Coast Guard is on the bottom, the Army National Guard is a PART of the army.

Which brings me back to the National Guard. They are always, no matter what, "on call" to help and risk their lives. Which makes them no different from active duty soldiers. This woman mentioned in her blog that it's four years between deployments for Guardsmen. Yes, overseas. But everytime a hurricane, tornado, earthquake, or any other diaster happens in the United States the Guard is there. Regardless of their wedding plans, their vacations, etc. They have be one of the most flexible branch of military because tomorrow if buildings started to fall, guardsmen would have to put those ACU's on and help even if it's their daughter's birthday.

So, in the case of Velle's unit. They were deployed to Vermont. But what if a diaster happened here at home at Ohio right after they returned? You think they get to wait four years before they have to help again? Don't think so. One weekend a month? Whatever.

I'm going to stop here cause there is so much more to be said, including her incredibly disrespectful comments about PTSD and the fact that ARMY National Guard is part of the ARMY, oh and my boyfriend worked full-time on his base... But my point is, I don't care what branch of the military your spouse is. The military itself is its own family.

Disrespect for one branch of the military is disrespect for all of the military. Period. My boyfriend works next to Marines, Air Force, etc everyday. And although all branches poke fun at each other, they all respect and protect each other...Shouldn't you respect and protect your fellow military spouse?

Valentine's Day Care Package

I sent my boy a few days ago his Valentine's Day gifts. I'm super excited for him to get this care package...because I'm awesome.

I got him a bunch of Valentine's candy, including Skittles that came in a container shaped like a heart! I got him some mini gatorades to drink. A cute Valentine's Day card...nothing too mushy....Then my favorite! His actual gift...THUNDERCATS!

It's the new version, the re-make, that was on Cartoon Network over the past summer. As we were getting ready for his deployment, his brother left for Basic, and just about everything else in the world...we only actually watched one episode. My boyfriend was extremely excited about the show coming on and always complained we didn't have DVR so he could record it. So, basically, I'm awesome.

I'm super excited about him getting it. In the mean time I'm working on a care package for him because he's been asking me for certain things. I just had to make sure the Valentine's stuff got out in time for him.

I'm super excited about Valentine's Day. Even though I won't be spending it with my boy...I just love the day. Everyone getting flowers and stuff. It makes me smile!

I Wake Up To Your Sunset...



Story of my life I think...

My New Haircut

Got my haircut finally! Knocking things off my list :)

7000 miles apart...But closer everyday...

It's amazing. I think that the distance has officially made us closer together. I think, so far, we're a better couple and are more in love than ever.

I started getting this feeling when I was getting some not-so-obvious hints about engagement rings. Now, my bf is a total goof, but one thing he never jokes about is marriage or kids. He always gets this look on his face like he's about to be sick. The most I've ever really heard him talk about it was him saying it was essential he waited til he was 25 to get married. Mind you, we've been dating since we were 21. We are now 23. It always annoyed me that he said that because 25 is oooold. But either way. He just started bringing up princess cuts and white gold...just dropping it into conversation like it was normal.

But that's not the part that freaks me out. Today, we're talking about plans for when he comes home and somehow we get on this topic about him leaving when we fight. My boyfriend gets angry and leaves. Just leaves. He refuses to yell at me or talk or anything until he's driven around town 100 times or spends the night at a friends. This can be completely without warning, just up from the couch and out the door, when all I did was ask if he paid the cable. This frustrates me a lot too because I'm such a fighter. When I get mad I get mad then and there and I want to deal with it then and there. I hate sitting around with my own thoughts (cause, I don't know, I might realize that I'm WRONG...but that rarely happens...). He just likes to cool down. The worst part about that though is we never talk about stuff. Like by the time he walks back through the door I'm over it and on to the next thing and he ignores it. Which makes us brew up and fight again a few days later.

But today he made a promise. To not do it anymore. That he was being a child running away from his problems and he only wants to make me happy.

I'm completely blown away. I know my boyfriend would change and mature a bit during deployment. I just didn't realize it would be pratically overnight. Part of me was afraid of that because I thought he would become a little TOO mature for me (I mean, I'm currently eating a handful of Nerds and wearing Stewie boxers... I have a lot of growing up to do). But at the moment he seems like he's in a good place. And it seems that being apart from me has made him realize somethings he has done wrong with the relationship.

And the same thing goes for me too. I've realized I react too quickly and sometimes being able to sit and think about something helps sometimes (Patience, you must have patience).

But most importantly, we've realized how important we are to each other. And it's a wonderful feeling.

The Helpful and Help-me!

I haven't written in a really long time. Like 2 and a half weeks!

It's so crazy right now. I've been going nuts trying to find another job and I haven't had much luck lately. I'm grateful for the full-time job I have now. But I'm beyond ready to start on my career and get my life going.

On top of that, my boyfriend's sister and I have been fighting. Again. It's so useless. I try to be helpful and nice to them (they have 7 kids...I mean they do really need it sometimes). And everytime it's time to return money or hold up her end of a bargain, it's a fight. I don't really want to talk about anyone behind their back, especially Velle's family...but my point is: Why is it that people think everyone must help them out but they can't ever just help themselves?

I have been incredibly independent my entire life. In fact, I can't for the life of me ever remember asking anyone for help. Not even my parents. It annoys me to no end that they lend money to my sister all the time. But in all serious, I won't ever ask them for help. Ever. I just can't ever ask people for help. Mostly because, I find great satisfaction in being able to take of myself.

A great example: My boyfriend and I bought a new TV stand right before he left. The only one they had left was the floor model...which was fine, it was all ready assembled! My boyfriend insisted that we call his sister to use their truck to take it home. I fought with him tooth and nail: it would fit in the backseat. And finally, he agreed. In fact, it did fit. But it took us nearly 20 minutes of fidgeting and pushing to get it OUT of the car. He kept giving me this look like "Told you so", but kept his mouth shut. When we finally got it in the apartment I was incredibly proud that A) our living room was finally coming together and B) we needed no one's help.

My "Independent and Love It" gene had taken over. And to be honest, I look back now and wonder why I didn't just agree to have them come out and load it on the truck for us. (I mean it would have taken them 5 minutes to drive over and saved us the 20 minutes of struggle) But I know deep down this gene of mine just won't let anyone help me ever.

I'm just an independent woman fighting from the home front.

Velle's sister has the opposite gene, the "Help-Me" gene. She is not afraid to ask for help ever. In fact, it's extremely opposite because she even asks things that may be inappropriate/impolite to ask of some people. Velle and I always, always help her when she asks. Money to pay a bill. A ride to work. Etc, etc.

Not to get really into it...I just don't get it. I mean she literally jumped off the edge when I didn't come to her rescue again because I had all ready done so 12 hours earlier.

But here's my other thing...There are families out there on welfare. (Not saying they don't need it, just bare with me) They constantly complain about how their life sucks, they have no money, etc, etc. Now these people have literally been handed a gold mine in my opinion. I had to pay for school completely on my own because my parents made too much money according to the government to qualify for financial aid. But I did just that. I payed my school bills by holding a full time job with no help from my parents...even managed to move out on my own and have a ton of money saved up. People on welfare, in most cases, qualify for free schooling. There are programs out there to help find good paying jobs. Get their GED's. The list goes on and on.... But instead of doing these things and helping themselves, they continue to beg for help from the people around them in the form of taxes/charity. They refuse the help of the aid that will make them better, and accept the help of that which will keep them on their laurels.


A resistance helping you succeed.


Now, I understand every situation is different and some people just can't do those things. But the fact is, the people who can have developed the "Help-Me" gene. They just want everyone else to do their hardwork for them and help them whenever possible. They just can't help themselves...they just can't be independent.

But why is that? I have no idea but it bugs me. I work incredibly hard to take care of myself. I think everyone else should too. And I think people need to stop begging and just help themselves! 

Either way, I just don't feel the need to help anyone anymore. These people who beg for assistance, don't appreciate it when they get it. They just ask for More. More. More.