We had a wonderful leave together. I stayed positive the whole time and completely ignored the fact that he was leaving again. Well, except on Thanksgiving. ALL my parents wanted to talk about was what he would be doing over there, how long he'd be there, when he was leaving. Stuff I didn't want to talk about or hear. I teared up a little bit when my mom gave him a huge hug and said "Be Safe."
But yesterday morning, I woke up in tears. He packed up his stuff and I kept sneaking away to cry. He said, "Don't do that. Nine months will fly by."
"I hate when people say that. All everyone says is time will fly by. 'It'll be over before you know it.' They have no idea how the last month and a half has seemed like forever to me." He just squeezed my hand.
He flew out of Columbus, so we had to drive 2 hours. In the car I started crying again. "Cheer up, baby."
"I don't know how you expect me to do that."
"I know. I'm not happy either."
We listened to Andy Samberg on his new Zune. Which did cheer me up a bit. We laughed. Held hands and smiled at each other a lot. But mostly we were quiet. At the airport, quick like a bandaid. Hug. Kiss. Bye... Again...
My ride home was awful. I tried to listen to upbeat music but every once in awhile my iPod played an evil trick by playing a heartbreaking song.
I felt bad. I had plans with my sister who was only home for a few days. But I texted her when I got home. I felt too depressed and sick to my stomach to go anywhere. I spent last night under the blanket, watching Friends to cheer myself up. Everytime I layed down in bed I started crying. It was so empty. So lonely. Up to the couch again to watch some more Friends. I didn't actually fall asleep til very early this morning.
This is just so much more rough than it was before. When he left the first time, I knew he was going to Mississippi for awhile. That we would talk a lot. Which we did. But now it's different. It's so much more real now that he's going. He actually goes overseas in about a week. And this week they are in field training. Which pretty much means no communication until he's over there. Possibly one call before he goes. But I don't know for sure. And it's killing me.
I'm so depressed. I feel like someone punched me in the stomach and I can't seem to catch my breath. I'm so incredibly proud of my soldier. I tell everyone how wonderful he is. But I'm angry and I feel hopeless. It's definately real now. I definately can't fight it anymore and pretend it's not happening. And now I'm falling...and it's so scary.
Nothing going on in school until finals in two weeks. So, I've been researching more ways to keep myself busy. I'm thinking about keeping a Gratitude journal. It seems like a good idea. I feel like if I had one of those to read now I wouldn't feel so lost. I'm also thinking about starting on his first care package. That should keep me busy for awhile.
They are still trying to decide if they will be getting an R&R or not. Nine months is a short deployment, so the thinking is they might not get one. But I hope we find out soon. It will give me something to look forward to and count down to... closer than September. I just can't wait until he's home. I just keep dreaming about a "V-J Day in Times Square" moment.
