Nightmares...

Since I was a child I have incredibly scary nightmares. I wake up some nights screaming, thrashing, the whole bit. But the majority of the time I wake up remembering something small, heart pounding, and can't fall back asleep for hours. And there's other times Velle tells me I jump in my sleep or fight him and I wake up not really remembering those.

Since Velle left my nightmares focus mainly on his deployment. I've had dreams where he's died, where he's missing, where I'm patiently waiting at the airport but he ignores me as he gets off the plane. That kinda of stuff. Mostly just the stuff that scares me to death. (I don't really think Velle will ignore me, it's more I'm afraid we won't know each other or be okay with each other.)


In the dream, they didn't know if he was alive or dead. Which in my waking scared me more because in reality I didn't know either. Days went by and I pretty much lost it.

These nightmares scare me to death. They bring to my forebrain all the fears I try all day to push back and push back. I wake up freaking out and don't really calm down until I talk to him again. Which most recently was about four days and the nightmare played over and over when I fell asleep until it was at the point I just couldn't sleep.

It's scary not knowing anythin.g about the person you love. What they're doing at that exact moment. What they're thinking about. Whether they're safe. It scares me to death. I feel like keeping myself incredibly busy keeps my mind off it...but when it's the middle of the night and you've dreamt the worst, how can you not think the worst?

I need some serious help with my anxiety or something.

I just can't wait til he comes home.

Playing Catch Up

I haven't blogged in awhile. And I haven't really talked about what's going on with me... mostly because it's a whole bunch of nothing. I'm working constantly around 50 plus hours a week. And therefore, I'm not doing anything when I'm home besides relaxing, talking to Velle, etc.

I'm having some difficulty dealing with my friends here at home. They all seem to think I should be normal. I've been working a lot to keep myself busy, but it means I'm lazy the rest of the day. That being said, they also seem to think since he's been gone so long I won't be upset about it anymore. But it couldn't be further from the truth. I have moments of complete clarity and normalcy. There are other moments where I want nothing more than to go back to bed.

The problem with civilian friends as much as they want to be there for you. They can't. Not in the right ways. They don't understand why you want to put off a movie because a last minute Skype date. Why on earth you carry your phone everywhere and want it to be fully charged no matter what. They don't get why sometimes you burst into tears at the silly stuff. They try to be sympathetic..."I would be really sad too...Are you ok?...Do you need anything, anything at all?"

But they can't really know what it's like. I feel bad for my friends because I feel like they are trying to understand, but they also bug me. My one friend and I recently got into a little disagreement because after not hearing from my boy for a week he contacted me an hour before I was supposed to go over to her house and wanted to Skype. She told me it was a stupid excuse to blow her off. It really hurt my feelings because she completely did not get it. But then again, I can feel understand why she felt ditched.

It's complicated. I'm just in need of a close military spouse friend who can relate. And I need to find some balance between this crazy Army life and my civilian one too.

My Dog

I'm currently at my parents house watching my beautiful doggie dog, Maggie. She's incredibly old and pathetic for the most part, she can barely walk and it takes her about twenty minutes to stand up. And I'm pretty sure she has Doggie Alzheimer's... today for whatever reason, instead of eating her food she decided to rub her nose against the carpet. She rubbed her nose so much and so hard she ripped a good chunk of skin off her nose and she bled everywhere. She still wouldn't eat and my mom told me to give her one of her pills...Which she just gobbled up oddly. I don't know what the pills are but she went larthargic after that and fell asleep.



Maggie this past summer.

Naturally, I bawled like a baby cleaning up her blood and cleaning her nose. I couldn't help thinking about how I was losing her. Slowly, but surely. She'll be 14 this summer, so I've had her for the good majority of my life. So not only is she my best doggie friend, she represents a lot for me. My life here in Ohio. My struggles as a teenager, breakups and the like. Everything. It breaks my heart to think about losing her because I can't imagine life without her. How on earth can I do anything hard ever again without her?

This of course could potentially make deployment a little harder for me. She's been a stand-up support system for me. Every hard obstacle I've had in my life she's been there with her goofy smile and a small lick on the hand. She's not quite the same as she used to be, but dogs are so healing regardless of their mental states. They love you unconditionally and hate to see you hurt. Losing her during this deployment might destroy me.

But when all's said and done, I'm grateful for her. She makes me smile when I need it most. I'm always excited to come to my parent's house to see her. (Yea, I guess to see my parents too. haha) I definately need to get my own dog at home, especially once I lose Maggie. But for now, I have the bestest friend in the world.

Valentine's Day Care Package

I sent my boy a few days ago his Valentine's Day gifts. I'm super excited for him to get this care package...because I'm awesome.

I got him a bunch of Valentine's candy, including Skittles that came in a container shaped like a heart! I got him some mini gatorades to drink. A cute Valentine's Day card...nothing too mushy....Then my favorite! His actual gift...THUNDERCATS!

It's the new version, the re-make, that was on Cartoon Network over the past summer. As we were getting ready for his deployment, his brother left for Basic, and just about everything else in the world...we only actually watched one episode. My boyfriend was extremely excited about the show coming on and always complained we didn't have DVR so he could record it. So, basically, I'm awesome.

I'm super excited about him getting it. In the mean time I'm working on a care package for him because he's been asking me for certain things. I just had to make sure the Valentine's stuff got out in time for him.

I'm super excited about Valentine's Day. Even though I won't be spending it with my boy...I just love the day. Everyone getting flowers and stuff. It makes me smile!

7000 miles apart...But closer everyday...

It's amazing. I think that the distance has officially made us closer together. I think, so far, we're a better couple and are more in love than ever.

I started getting this feeling when I was getting some not-so-obvious hints about engagement rings. Now, my bf is a total goof, but one thing he never jokes about is marriage or kids. He always gets this look on his face like he's about to be sick. The most I've ever really heard him talk about it was him saying it was essential he waited til he was 25 to get married. Mind you, we've been dating since we were 21. We are now 23. It always annoyed me that he said that because 25 is oooold. But either way. He just started bringing up princess cuts and white gold...just dropping it into conversation like it was normal.

But that's not the part that freaks me out. Today, we're talking about plans for when he comes home and somehow we get on this topic about him leaving when we fight. My boyfriend gets angry and leaves. Just leaves. He refuses to yell at me or talk or anything until he's driven around town 100 times or spends the night at a friends. This can be completely without warning, just up from the couch and out the door, when all I did was ask if he paid the cable. This frustrates me a lot too because I'm such a fighter. When I get mad I get mad then and there and I want to deal with it then and there. I hate sitting around with my own thoughts (cause, I don't know, I might realize that I'm WRONG...but that rarely happens...). He just likes to cool down. The worst part about that though is we never talk about stuff. Like by the time he walks back through the door I'm over it and on to the next thing and he ignores it. Which makes us brew up and fight again a few days later.

But today he made a promise. To not do it anymore. That he was being a child running away from his problems and he only wants to make me happy.

I'm completely blown away. I know my boyfriend would change and mature a bit during deployment. I just didn't realize it would be pratically overnight. Part of me was afraid of that because I thought he would become a little TOO mature for me (I mean, I'm currently eating a handful of Nerds and wearing Stewie boxers... I have a lot of growing up to do). But at the moment he seems like he's in a good place. And it seems that being apart from me has made him realize somethings he has done wrong with the relationship.

And the same thing goes for me too. I've realized I react too quickly and sometimes being able to sit and think about something helps sometimes (Patience, you must have patience).

But most importantly, we've realized how important we are to each other. And it's a wonderful feeling.

Whee!!

I'm feeling kinda bubbly and happy today. Like, my normal self while my boyfriend is home. We got to talk on the phone today for quite awhile since he had the day off. And I was feeling kinda giddy when I woke up this morning. I'm not really sure why. I just know that I'm happy.

And talking to him made my day SO much better!!!

It makes me kinda sad for a little bit after we hang up because it makes me wish he was on the couch next me and we could continue talking all night like we used to. But mostly, hearing from him makes me really happy.

The best part about us is that we totally get each other. And we laugh. A lot. Those are the things I love about our relationship. And, yea, us being apart is totally depressing. But the fact that we can get on the phone and crack jokes and talk about our silly friends who are getting married like we're not half a world apart is amazing.

As for the me waking up giddy thing? I have no clue. I got the most sleep I've gotten in awhile since I've been sick. That probably had something to do with it. But who knows?

I'm glad I'm beginning to feel normal again. Kinda. I mean I feel sorta empty because my other half is away. But seriously, I'm not such a whack job anymore.

That being said, I'm going to be a total loser on New Year's and do nothing but enjoy my own damn company. I know I sound like an old bitty. But my choices are hang out with all my couple friends who just got engaged, or go out to a club. Yea. Passing on both. One of the girls from work...her fiance is working New Year's Eve so we were thinking about popping open a bottle of wine and having girl time. But, I'll be happy curling under a blanket and watching Night At The Roxbury (one of our favorites!) all by myself.

College, Christmas, and Weddings...

So, I haven't really been blogging much. Things got super crazy and busy for me lately.

I sent out his first care package last week. I finally sent him his new camera, as well as drink mixes and lots of beef jerky and other snacky stuff. And I'm currently working on his second care package. I'll probably make a post dedicated to it when I send it out.

I FINALLY graduated college! It was incredible and I had so much fun. My best friend Heather (who lives an hour away) came out. I felt terrible for her since she's four months pregnant and had to sit through a three hour ceremony with my family. But she was happy to be my make-shift boyfriend for the day.



My Christmas was great. For the most part. I was incredibly sick but I suffered through it so I could spend time with my family. My sister, who is incredibly liberal, went off on a tangent about how pointless the war is and how America is a big bully, etc. Which totally hurt my feelings. But people are entitled to their opinion. I'd just rather hear that what he's doing is a good thing, not a bad one. 
But on a good note, my boyfriend and I skyped on Christmas which completely made my day. :)

Another thing to add. My boyfriend's brother got married. His brother is currently finishing his AIT and they needed to get married for the housing, etc, etc. They had a ceremony at his new wife's sister's house. She looked great and I was super happy for them. Of course, it was "You'll be next, you guys are next" Blah Blah Blah. Okay, I kinda liked it. But it got old after the seventh person said it.

On top of that. I had four friends get engaged over Christmas. FOUR. I'm pretty salty about it because I feel like my boyfriend and I are in relationship limbo...We're stuck in one place until he comes home. And while all my friends are moving forward in their relationships with marriages and babies... I'm stuck home alone, waiting. (Side note: Two of these couples promised me it would be years before they actually got married...which made it a little less annoying.)

My boyfriend is great however. When we talked yesterday he tried his best to make me feel better and told me I had no reason to be jealous or upset because we're so much better together than those couples. (No offense.) And then he sent me a link to a house he really liked. Which helped.

Because even though we're apart, we can still plan our future lives together.

I know for a fact, my boyfriend and I will be together for the rest of our lives. And comparing our relationship with someone else's is just silly. We're different. Not just because we're military, but because we are so in love. We fit.

And I wish my friends the best, but I can't vouch for their relationship as much as I can vouch for my own.  

Things NOT To Say To A Military Spouse...

Okay, so I'm currently waiting to be picked up for my boyfriend's brother's wedding. Which totally blows because I know everyone is going to be asking me how he's doing, what he's up to, when the last time we talked was. Blah blah blah. I'm trying to ready myself for the fake smile and the two word answers I'm about to give out. But seriously...

My boyfriend was home for four days in November, but technically he's been gone for two months. I'm beyondddddd sick of listening to people. I found this online and I loved it because it's so true. On top of that I'm adding my own comments and stuff (in bold) because there is stuff I'm sick of hearing too.

1. “Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?”

(This one ranks in at number one on the “duh” list. Of course we’re afraid. We’re terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds —but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they’re scared of dying.) My grandma asked if I was scared. No grandma...it's a walk in the park.

2. “I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.”
(This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying. Here’s why: it’s not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we’d get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We’re not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.) Telling me I'm so strong for what I'm doing doesn't make me feel strong.

3. “At least he’s not in Iraq.”
(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf?) Yea, Iraq is over. Kinda.

4. “Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?”
(Don’t you watch the news? No! They don’t get to come home for any of these things. Please don’t ask again.) I HATE this one. Everyone is like "Will he be home for Christmas?" I don't know he JUST went over...so yea, they are sooo spending one week working then turning around and coming back.

5. “What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?”
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there’s a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don’t get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy.) Cry in bed everyday. That takes up plenty of time.

6. “How much longer does he have until he can get out?”
(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren’t counting down the days until they “can” get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.) His contract is up after he gets home. But neither of us knows if he's re-enlisting. So STOP ASKING.

7. “This deployment shouldn’t be so bad, now that you’re used to it.”
(We do learn coping skills. We figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets “easy” and the bullets and bombs don’t skip over our guys just because they’ve been there before. The worry never goes away.)

8. “My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you’re going through.”
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband’s three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 6-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, and he flew comfortably on a commercial plane. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a crappy Hyundai Excel with a Mercedes convertible.) Yea this one is bad too. I had a girl tell me the other day her husband was in Kuwait...until I found out he's not in the military and he was there for a week for work. Still...A WEEK.

9. “Wow you must miss him?”
(This one also gets antoher big “duh”. Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they’re now divorced.) Nope, I actually like having him 7000 miles away.

10. “Where is he exactly? Where is that?”(I don’t expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it’s in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they’re on the news every night and in the papers every day —and on maps everywhere.) I get this one alot. But even the army people have no idea because my boyfriend happens to be on an airbase. So, even if you may have SOME idea of it over there...you probably have no clue where he's located. And please...why do you care?
11. “Well, he signed up for it, so it’s his own fault whatever happens over there.
(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn’t sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that “You’re welcome.” He’s still fighting for your freedom.) Oh, my boyfriend signed up for the reserves to go to school. Bite me.
12. “Don’t you miss sex! I couldn’t do it!”
(hmmm, no i don’t miss sex. i’m a robot. seriously…military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn’t withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.) I've never gotten this one, but if I did I would simply say "It's worth it."

13. “Well in my opinion…..”
(Stop right there. Yo, I didn’t ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I’m out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we’re trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.) Ugh. I hate when people say this. I don't like talk about politics, I never have. Just tell me you support my man and what he's doing and that's it. I don't care whether you're voting for Obama again next year.

14. “OH, that’s horrible…I’m so sorry!”
(He’s doing his job and he’s a badass. Don’t be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our MARINES/soldiers/airmen/coasties/sailors fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.) I'm not. He's doing a good thing. I'm super proud. I miss him everyday but I couldn't be more happy with what he's doing. And I only told you in the first place because I had to explain why the last email I got made me cry.

My additions to the list:

15. "I though they were pulling everyone out." Seriously? Don't you watch the news?
16. "You must be so proud." No, I'm disgusted...COME ON PEOPLE.
17. "Bet he looks great in uniform huh?" Of course he does, that's why I love him.

My Favorite:

18. "When was the last time you got to talk?"

That one really bugs me because to be honest...talking to him makes me happy and sad at the same time. And if I haven't talked to him in a few days I get really sad...and worried. And reminding me that we haven't talked in three days really bums me out.

Wish me luck tonight.

Life Goes On...

So I guess the second to last post was super depressing and sad and all that junk. I had about an entire weekend of weakness. I was completely struggling with everything and my heart was broken.

But I've picked myself up. I started focusing on his first care package as a way to make myself a little happier. I knew he's been super excited about getting care packages, and he'll be really happy when he gets them. So it made me happy to think about making him happy.

We decided together to get him a camera and SD card and then we would switch SD cards every month or so. Then we could take pictures of ourself doing things and a couple videos and what not. Kinda a once-a-month present to each other. I'm super excited about getting his first SD card back. I have to send him the camera though first...but I'm still working on putting things together. I wanted to have it out on Tuesday, but things fell through the cracks and I'm at square one again. Soooo basically, it'll probably be next week before I get it out to him. So I figured I'm going to send him a letter to tie him over until he gets the care package.

Working on OPERATION: KEEP BUSY...I bought myself a book called "Confessions of a Military Wife" by Mollie Gross. Amazing book. I haven't finished it yet but I haven't been able to put it down. It's hilarious and also has some great tips/stories about life as a military wife. There's so much I can relate to. Also, the jokes and funny stories have picked my mood up from depressed in the last day. I would recommend it to any military wife.

Great Book!

My mom forced me to put my tiny one foot tall Christmas tree up. When I say forced...I mean she made my dad bring it to work and place it on my desk as a "Melissa. You better put this up" notice. It kinda helped my funk also. Looking at the lights makes me smile. I totally thought I was going to hate having it up because it would make me sad that I couldn't share it with my boy...but instead it makes me warm inside. And I took a few pictures to send him, which I hope makes him feel warm too...and not sad he's not here to see it in person.

I'm trying to find my strength here. Taking things one day at a time. I'm sure I'll do it...I'm just trying my best to live my life while he's gone. Which is what you have to do.

Life goes on...

Bye Again, Soldier

He left yesterday.

We had a wonderful leave together. I stayed positive the whole time and completely ignored the fact that he was leaving again. Well, except on Thanksgiving. ALL my parents wanted to talk about was what he would be doing over there, how long he'd be there, when he was leaving. Stuff I didn't want to talk about or hear. I teared up a little bit when my mom gave him a huge hug and said "Be Safe."

But yesterday morning, I woke up in tears. He packed up his stuff and I kept sneaking away to cry. He said, "Don't do that. Nine months will fly by."

"I hate when people say that. All everyone says is time will fly by. 'It'll be over before you know it.' They have no idea how the last month and a half has seemed like forever to me." He just squeezed my hand.

He flew out of Columbus, so we had to drive 2 hours. In the car I started crying again. "Cheer up, baby."

"I don't know how you expect me to do that."

"I know. I'm not happy either."

We listened to Andy Samberg on his new Zune. Which did cheer me up a bit. We laughed. Held hands and smiled at each other a lot. But mostly we were quiet. At the airport, quick like a bandaid. Hug. Kiss. Bye... Again...

My ride home was awful. I tried to listen to upbeat music but every once in awhile my iPod played an evil trick by playing a heartbreaking song.

I felt bad. I had plans with my sister who was only home for a few days. But I texted her when I got home. I felt too depressed and sick to my stomach to go anywhere. I spent last night under the blanket, watching Friends to cheer myself up. Everytime I layed down in bed I started crying. It was so empty. So lonely. Up to the couch again to watch some more Friends. I didn't actually fall asleep til very early this morning.

This is just so much more rough than it was before. When he left the first time, I knew he was going to Mississippi for awhile. That we would talk a lot. Which we did. But now it's different. It's so much more real now that he's going. He actually goes overseas in about a week. And this week they are in field training. Which pretty much means no communication until he's over there. Possibly one call before he goes. But I don't know for sure. And it's killing me.

I'm so depressed. I feel like someone punched me in the stomach and I can't seem to catch my breath. I'm so incredibly proud of my soldier. I tell everyone how wonderful he is. But I'm angry and I feel hopeless. It's definately real now. I definately can't fight it anymore and pretend it's not happening. And now I'm falling...and it's so scary.

Nothing going on in school until finals in two weeks. So, I've been researching more ways to keep myself busy. I'm thinking about keeping a Gratitude journal. It seems like a good idea. I feel like if I had one of those to read now I wouldn't feel so lost. I'm also thinking about starting on his first care package. That should keep me busy for awhile.

They are still trying to decide if they will be getting an R&R or not. Nine months is a short deployment, so the thinking is they might not get one. But I hope we find out soon. It will give me something to look forward to and count down to... closer than September. I just can't wait until he's home. I just keep dreaming about a "V-J Day in Times Square" moment.

WHOOOHOOO!

Boyfriend is coming home for Thanksgiving for FOUR WHOLE DAYS! I'm beyond excited. It's a little leave before he goes overseas. I'm incredibly happy it will be over Thanksgiving. He'll fly home on the Tuesday before and have to go back on Saturday. I had to take a vacation day to have Wednesday off (I can't take Friday off, that's Christmas decorating day...I'm sort of like in charge of it or whatever...) but it's TOTALLY worth spending two whole days just us.

So 12 days until I see him!

Then you know however long it's going to be until R&R. (There's some talk they might not get one since they'll only be overseas for 9 months...I hope not) Four days is better than nothing.

And I'm super excited. :-)



The flowers fully bloomed

It's Been Awhile...

Oh Jeez! It's been a week and a half since my last post! Life has just been pretty crazyyyy.

Well lets see. Halloween weekend I went with some friends to the House of Blues downtown. It was a pretty crazy Halloween party going on. And we got in for free since my one friend from work used to work there. They were staying in a hotel...and Velle was very uncormfortable with that. Which I totally get. So I went there beforehand and got some pictures. I couldn't really drink because I had to drive home. But I still had fun (Ohhh yea To Do List!)   Some pictures...


Me and Kayla :)

Salute!

So then Sunday night I went with my best friend and her daughter (my gorgeous god daughter) trick-or-treating.

The most gorgeous 3 year old on planet Earth.

RAWR!

Then Monday was Halloween. And of course that meant dressing up at work. The theme was movie characters. And everyone went all out. We have a costume contest...first place got $100. I didn't win but the people who won did a really good job. (Plus I won last year so I don't think they would have picked me anyway)

We were Jay and Silent Bob :)



My friend Mary Beth as Ace Ventura.

Monday was also The End Of The Month. Which equals death at work. We pretty much have to get all our work done for the month on the last day. The sales people try to wrap up their deals so it ends up on their commission check for the month. It's just pure CRAZINESS. So I was at work until 8 pm... dressed like a dude.

Then the whole week just sort of blew by. It felt like I looked up and it was Friday.

What's been nice is that my boyfriend and I have been talking a lot this past week. We've talked about our plans, our fears, our relationship. Everything. I feel like everything that was left unsaid before he left is being said now. Mostly because he's probably more comfortable saying things over the phone than in person. But either way.

And I can tell that he sees just how much he misses me and therefore loves me.

Example. The flowers I got yesterday "Just because I miss you" (Note: He signed the card SPC Gray. I think he needs a break from the base haha)

I can't wait until the buds bloom. They're lillies. It's all ready looking nice today. But I'll post a picture once everything is fully bloomed.

It was the sweetest thing in the world though. It just makes me realize how lucky I am. My boyfriend is hundred of miles away from me and he still treats me like his queen. He can't do it in person, but he can surely do it far away in a different way.

How did I become the luckiest girl in the world?

That being said. I had a very rough day today. He found out his mission yesterday and he told me he's nervous. Which completely broke my heart. If he's nervous...I should be too. I want so badly for him to just stay on base 24/7. But of course I'm kidding myself. But he's been completely reassuring and wonderful to me, so I'm going to do the same for him.

But life's been good. I miss him more everyday and even though I have rough days, I'm doing it and super proud of myself for it too.

Good News!

So I got some good news today. My boyfriend will be getting a four day leave before he actually goes overseas. He's mobilizing in Mississippi right now and they let him know that he won't actually be going overseas until January. But that pretty much means he'll only be over there for nine months. Less time for me to sit around worrying right? I'm excited. Not really sure when it will be but I'm pretty excited about it. There are certain times like my graduation and Christmas or New Years but either way I'll be happy to have him home for a little while before he's gone.

He's biggest concern: giving me small pox. He had to get the shot and his arm is totally gross right now I guess, but there was some talk about some other guy who was told he couldn't be around his 4 month old daughter after getting the shot to keep her safe from getting it. Pretty messed up I think. I hope I'm going to be okay. haha.

I'm excited and happy right now. Helps to deal with pain of having him gone when you have seeing him again to look forward to.

The Beginning of the End.

Obama annouced today he's bringing home the troops in Iraq.

Check out the link. All you lucky bastards who get to see your significant others early...I'm so happy for you. And extremely jealous.





My boss said to me today "How happy are you, your boyfriend is coming home!!" I nearly did cartwheels in the showroom. "He was going to Iraq right?" Ooooo, back to sad again.

But I'm happy because I know there are families out there that are extremely excited today. That are doing cartwheels at work. That are making the preparations needed to see their soldiers home. And if their lucky enough...have them home way earlier than expected.

I'm also happy because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. For whatever reason, I had some idea in my brain that these wars would last forever. That my boyfriend would deploy more than once. And that if I'm lucky to have him home the first time, I don't know how lucky I'll be a second. But now, I can see that our President and our leaders really do care to see them home. And they are making an effort to do their best with what they got, and the situation as a whole. They really want our soldiers safe and I feel a lot more comfortable about my boyfriend going over there now.

I still have a year til I see him next (excluding R&R of course) but at least I can sincerely hope that he'll never have to go back there ever again.

Oh, and another thing. I made it my first week! Eeeehh! Only 51 more to go. (Makes it doesn't seem that long right?)

My Deployment To Do List

So, he's gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

I put him on that plane, cried the whole way home, curled up in bed, took a big whiff of his smell on his pillow and got up. I've been on the verge of tears since, but I decided to start OPERATION: KEEP BUSY.

That's what I keep hearing. "Keep busy. It'll go by fast." Yea but when you're at Day 0...Day 365 seems like forever away. So I can't help but be negative here and say it's going too slow. Go by fast all ready. But what the hell right? I was all ready planning on keeping busy to keep myself from spending all day dreaming about what he's doing and feeling sorry for myself.

So, tonight Phase 1 of OPERATION: KEEP BUSY went into action. Writing my Deployment To Do list. Here we go.

DEPLOYMENT TO DO LIST

1) Keeping up with this blog. Therapeutic and a time consumer.

2) Cut my hair. Velle loves it long. I want to cut it so bad. So, I'm doing it while he's gone so he'll never miss it.

My long, red hair.

3) Learn to cook. Cooking books and experimentation here I come!

4) Quit smoking. This one is Velle's goal while he's overseas. So, I'm going to too!

5) Decorate the apartment. We moved here only just in June...I've never gotten around to it.

6) Excercise everyday. I'm going to need to with all the cooking I'll be doing!

7) Graduate college and get a job. This is on my life list, period.

8) Get a tattoo. I've been dying to do this since I turned 18, just haven't had the balls...

9) Take a trip to Canada. I have family up there I haven't seen in ages.

10) Take a trip somewhere alone. I've never gone anywhere alone.

11) Spa Day! I got a gift certificate last Christmas and I have yet to use it.

12) Read 20 classic books I haven't read. I started Oliver Twist ages ago...I just didn't get past page 10.

13) See 20 movies in theaters. This might be another alone thing too. I've never done that either...

14) See as many plays and musicals as possible. Velle hates them. My mom loves them.

How can you hate this???

15) Go out with friends I haven't seen/talked to in awhile.

16) Save 1000 dollars before his return.

17) Send as many care packages as possible. Possibly some samples from my new cooking skills??

18) Learn the art of extreme couponing. You have no idea how long I've wanted to be able to do that.

19) Make a scrapbook. I've always wanted to do this. I just don't know what the theme will be yet.

20) Have fun.

That last one is super important.

The last thing he said to me before he walked away was "Remember to have fun." I know he's worried about me...that I'll sit around the whole year just waiting for him to walk through the front door. Because, I am a home-body. When faced with the crushing dilemma of going to a bar or staying home and watching a movie, home always wins. And I know he's worried I'll be sad the whole time. I'm worried about this too.

But he told me to have fun. Gotta follow orders right?

Spoke Too Soon

Well, he's officially leaving in a few days.

Army Wives...It's so sad when they leave...

Knew this would happen that I would finally think "he's not going" anddd he'd get the call to get his stuff ready.


Can't we go back to the other day when he wasn't going anymore? Guess that's the life of an army girlfriend right?

You never know what's going to happen. Ever.