Things NOT To Say To A Military Spouse...

Okay, so I'm currently waiting to be picked up for my boyfriend's brother's wedding. Which totally blows because I know everyone is going to be asking me how he's doing, what he's up to, when the last time we talked was. Blah blah blah. I'm trying to ready myself for the fake smile and the two word answers I'm about to give out. But seriously...

My boyfriend was home for four days in November, but technically he's been gone for two months. I'm beyondddddd sick of listening to people. I found this online and I loved it because it's so true. On top of that I'm adding my own comments and stuff (in bold) because there is stuff I'm sick of hearing too.

1. “Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?”

(This one ranks in at number one on the “duh” list. Of course we’re afraid. We’re terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds —but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they’re scared of dying.) My grandma asked if I was scared. No grandma...it's a walk in the park.

2. “I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.”
(This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying. Here’s why: it’s not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we’d get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We’re not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.) Telling me I'm so strong for what I'm doing doesn't make me feel strong.

3. “At least he’s not in Iraq.”
(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf?) Yea, Iraq is over. Kinda.

4. “Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?”
(Don’t you watch the news? No! They don’t get to come home for any of these things. Please don’t ask again.) I HATE this one. Everyone is like "Will he be home for Christmas?" I don't know he JUST went over...so yea, they are sooo spending one week working then turning around and coming back.

5. “What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?”
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there’s a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don’t get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy.) Cry in bed everyday. That takes up plenty of time.

6. “How much longer does he have until he can get out?”
(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren’t counting down the days until they “can” get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.) His contract is up after he gets home. But neither of us knows if he's re-enlisting. So STOP ASKING.

7. “This deployment shouldn’t be so bad, now that you’re used to it.”
(We do learn coping skills. We figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets “easy” and the bullets and bombs don’t skip over our guys just because they’ve been there before. The worry never goes away.)

8. “My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you’re going through.”
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband’s three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 6-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, and he flew comfortably on a commercial plane. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a crappy Hyundai Excel with a Mercedes convertible.) Yea this one is bad too. I had a girl tell me the other day her husband was in Kuwait...until I found out he's not in the military and he was there for a week for work. Still...A WEEK.

9. “Wow you must miss him?”
(This one also gets antoher big “duh”. Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they’re now divorced.) Nope, I actually like having him 7000 miles away.

10. “Where is he exactly? Where is that?”(I don’t expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it’s in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they’re on the news every night and in the papers every day —and on maps everywhere.) I get this one alot. But even the army people have no idea because my boyfriend happens to be on an airbase. So, even if you may have SOME idea of it over there...you probably have no clue where he's located. And please...why do you care?
11. “Well, he signed up for it, so it’s his own fault whatever happens over there.
(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn’t sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that “You’re welcome.” He’s still fighting for your freedom.) Oh, my boyfriend signed up for the reserves to go to school. Bite me.
12. “Don’t you miss sex! I couldn’t do it!”
(hmmm, no i don’t miss sex. i’m a robot. seriously…military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn’t withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.) I've never gotten this one, but if I did I would simply say "It's worth it."

13. “Well in my opinion…..”
(Stop right there. Yo, I didn’t ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I’m out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we’re trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.) Ugh. I hate when people say this. I don't like talk about politics, I never have. Just tell me you support my man and what he's doing and that's it. I don't care whether you're voting for Obama again next year.

14. “OH, that’s horrible…I’m so sorry!”
(He’s doing his job and he’s a badass. Don’t be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our MARINES/soldiers/airmen/coasties/sailors fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.) I'm not. He's doing a good thing. I'm super proud. I miss him everyday but I couldn't be more happy with what he's doing. And I only told you in the first place because I had to explain why the last email I got made me cry.

My additions to the list:

15. "I though they were pulling everyone out." Seriously? Don't you watch the news?
16. "You must be so proud." No, I'm disgusted...COME ON PEOPLE.
17. "Bet he looks great in uniform huh?" Of course he does, that's why I love him.

My Favorite:

18. "When was the last time you got to talk?"

That one really bugs me because to be honest...talking to him makes me happy and sad at the same time. And if I haven't talked to him in a few days I get really sad...and worried. And reminding me that we haven't talked in three days really bums me out.

Wish me luck tonight.