Nightmares...

Since I was a child I have incredibly scary nightmares. I wake up some nights screaming, thrashing, the whole bit. But the majority of the time I wake up remembering something small, heart pounding, and can't fall back asleep for hours. And there's other times Velle tells me I jump in my sleep or fight him and I wake up not really remembering those.

Since Velle left my nightmares focus mainly on his deployment. I've had dreams where he's died, where he's missing, where I'm patiently waiting at the airport but he ignores me as he gets off the plane. That kinda of stuff. Mostly just the stuff that scares me to death. (I don't really think Velle will ignore me, it's more I'm afraid we won't know each other or be okay with each other.)


In the dream, they didn't know if he was alive or dead. Which in my waking scared me more because in reality I didn't know either. Days went by and I pretty much lost it.

These nightmares scare me to death. They bring to my forebrain all the fears I try all day to push back and push back. I wake up freaking out and don't really calm down until I talk to him again. Which most recently was about four days and the nightmare played over and over when I fell asleep until it was at the point I just couldn't sleep.

It's scary not knowing anythin.g about the person you love. What they're doing at that exact moment. What they're thinking about. Whether they're safe. It scares me to death. I feel like keeping myself incredibly busy keeps my mind off it...but when it's the middle of the night and you've dreamt the worst, how can you not think the worst?

I need some serious help with my anxiety or something.

I just can't wait til he comes home.

Playing Catch Up

I haven't blogged in awhile. And I haven't really talked about what's going on with me... mostly because it's a whole bunch of nothing. I'm working constantly around 50 plus hours a week. And therefore, I'm not doing anything when I'm home besides relaxing, talking to Velle, etc.

I'm having some difficulty dealing with my friends here at home. They all seem to think I should be normal. I've been working a lot to keep myself busy, but it means I'm lazy the rest of the day. That being said, they also seem to think since he's been gone so long I won't be upset about it anymore. But it couldn't be further from the truth. I have moments of complete clarity and normalcy. There are other moments where I want nothing more than to go back to bed.

The problem with civilian friends as much as they want to be there for you. They can't. Not in the right ways. They don't understand why you want to put off a movie because a last minute Skype date. Why on earth you carry your phone everywhere and want it to be fully charged no matter what. They don't get why sometimes you burst into tears at the silly stuff. They try to be sympathetic..."I would be really sad too...Are you ok?...Do you need anything, anything at all?"

But they can't really know what it's like. I feel bad for my friends because I feel like they are trying to understand, but they also bug me. My one friend and I recently got into a little disagreement because after not hearing from my boy for a week he contacted me an hour before I was supposed to go over to her house and wanted to Skype. She told me it was a stupid excuse to blow her off. It really hurt my feelings because she completely did not get it. But then again, I can feel understand why she felt ditched.

It's complicated. I'm just in need of a close military spouse friend who can relate. And I need to find some balance between this crazy Army life and my civilian one too.

My Dog

I'm currently at my parents house watching my beautiful doggie dog, Maggie. She's incredibly old and pathetic for the most part, she can barely walk and it takes her about twenty minutes to stand up. And I'm pretty sure she has Doggie Alzheimer's... today for whatever reason, instead of eating her food she decided to rub her nose against the carpet. She rubbed her nose so much and so hard she ripped a good chunk of skin off her nose and she bled everywhere. She still wouldn't eat and my mom told me to give her one of her pills...Which she just gobbled up oddly. I don't know what the pills are but she went larthargic after that and fell asleep.



Maggie this past summer.

Naturally, I bawled like a baby cleaning up her blood and cleaning her nose. I couldn't help thinking about how I was losing her. Slowly, but surely. She'll be 14 this summer, so I've had her for the good majority of my life. So not only is she my best doggie friend, she represents a lot for me. My life here in Ohio. My struggles as a teenager, breakups and the like. Everything. It breaks my heart to think about losing her because I can't imagine life without her. How on earth can I do anything hard ever again without her?

This of course could potentially make deployment a little harder for me. She's been a stand-up support system for me. Every hard obstacle I've had in my life she's been there with her goofy smile and a small lick on the hand. She's not quite the same as she used to be, but dogs are so healing regardless of their mental states. They love you unconditionally and hate to see you hurt. Losing her during this deployment might destroy me.

But when all's said and done, I'm grateful for her. She makes me smile when I need it most. I'm always excited to come to my parent's house to see her. (Yea, I guess to see my parents too. haha) I definately need to get my own dog at home, especially once I lose Maggie. But for now, I have the bestest friend in the world.

The Helpful and Help-me!

I haven't written in a really long time. Like 2 and a half weeks!

It's so crazy right now. I've been going nuts trying to find another job and I haven't had much luck lately. I'm grateful for the full-time job I have now. But I'm beyond ready to start on my career and get my life going.

On top of that, my boyfriend's sister and I have been fighting. Again. It's so useless. I try to be helpful and nice to them (they have 7 kids...I mean they do really need it sometimes). And everytime it's time to return money or hold up her end of a bargain, it's a fight. I don't really want to talk about anyone behind their back, especially Velle's family...but my point is: Why is it that people think everyone must help them out but they can't ever just help themselves?

I have been incredibly independent my entire life. In fact, I can't for the life of me ever remember asking anyone for help. Not even my parents. It annoys me to no end that they lend money to my sister all the time. But in all serious, I won't ever ask them for help. Ever. I just can't ever ask people for help. Mostly because, I find great satisfaction in being able to take of myself.

A great example: My boyfriend and I bought a new TV stand right before he left. The only one they had left was the floor model...which was fine, it was all ready assembled! My boyfriend insisted that we call his sister to use their truck to take it home. I fought with him tooth and nail: it would fit in the backseat. And finally, he agreed. In fact, it did fit. But it took us nearly 20 minutes of fidgeting and pushing to get it OUT of the car. He kept giving me this look like "Told you so", but kept his mouth shut. When we finally got it in the apartment I was incredibly proud that A) our living room was finally coming together and B) we needed no one's help.

My "Independent and Love It" gene had taken over. And to be honest, I look back now and wonder why I didn't just agree to have them come out and load it on the truck for us. (I mean it would have taken them 5 minutes to drive over and saved us the 20 minutes of struggle) But I know deep down this gene of mine just won't let anyone help me ever.

I'm just an independent woman fighting from the home front.

Velle's sister has the opposite gene, the "Help-Me" gene. She is not afraid to ask for help ever. In fact, it's extremely opposite because she even asks things that may be inappropriate/impolite to ask of some people. Velle and I always, always help her when she asks. Money to pay a bill. A ride to work. Etc, etc.

Not to get really into it...I just don't get it. I mean she literally jumped off the edge when I didn't come to her rescue again because I had all ready done so 12 hours earlier.

But here's my other thing...There are families out there on welfare. (Not saying they don't need it, just bare with me) They constantly complain about how their life sucks, they have no money, etc, etc. Now these people have literally been handed a gold mine in my opinion. I had to pay for school completely on my own because my parents made too much money according to the government to qualify for financial aid. But I did just that. I payed my school bills by holding a full time job with no help from my parents...even managed to move out on my own and have a ton of money saved up. People on welfare, in most cases, qualify for free schooling. There are programs out there to help find good paying jobs. Get their GED's. The list goes on and on.... But instead of doing these things and helping themselves, they continue to beg for help from the people around them in the form of taxes/charity. They refuse the help of the aid that will make them better, and accept the help of that which will keep them on their laurels.


A resistance helping you succeed.


Now, I understand every situation is different and some people just can't do those things. But the fact is, the people who can have developed the "Help-Me" gene. They just want everyone else to do their hardwork for them and help them whenever possible. They just can't help themselves...they just can't be independent.

But why is that? I have no idea but it bugs me. I work incredibly hard to take care of myself. I think everyone else should too. And I think people need to stop begging and just help themselves! 

Either way, I just don't feel the need to help anyone anymore. These people who beg for assistance, don't appreciate it when they get it. They just ask for More. More. More.

Things NOT To Say To A Military Spouse...

Okay, so I'm currently waiting to be picked up for my boyfriend's brother's wedding. Which totally blows because I know everyone is going to be asking me how he's doing, what he's up to, when the last time we talked was. Blah blah blah. I'm trying to ready myself for the fake smile and the two word answers I'm about to give out. But seriously...

My boyfriend was home for four days in November, but technically he's been gone for two months. I'm beyondddddd sick of listening to people. I found this online and I loved it because it's so true. On top of that I'm adding my own comments and stuff (in bold) because there is stuff I'm sick of hearing too.

1. “Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?”

(This one ranks in at number one on the “duh” list. Of course we’re afraid. We’re terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds —but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they’re scared of dying.) My grandma asked if I was scared. No grandma...it's a walk in the park.

2. “I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.”
(This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying. Here’s why: it’s not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we’d get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We’re not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.) Telling me I'm so strong for what I'm doing doesn't make me feel strong.

3. “At least he’s not in Iraq.”
(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf?) Yea, Iraq is over. Kinda.

4. “Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?”
(Don’t you watch the news? No! They don’t get to come home for any of these things. Please don’t ask again.) I HATE this one. Everyone is like "Will he be home for Christmas?" I don't know he JUST went over...so yea, they are sooo spending one week working then turning around and coming back.

5. “What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?”
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there’s a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don’t get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy.) Cry in bed everyday. That takes up plenty of time.

6. “How much longer does he have until he can get out?”
(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren’t counting down the days until they “can” get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.) His contract is up after he gets home. But neither of us knows if he's re-enlisting. So STOP ASKING.

7. “This deployment shouldn’t be so bad, now that you’re used to it.”
(We do learn coping skills. We figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets “easy” and the bullets and bombs don’t skip over our guys just because they’ve been there before. The worry never goes away.)

8. “My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you’re going through.”
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband’s three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 6-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, and he flew comfortably on a commercial plane. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a crappy Hyundai Excel with a Mercedes convertible.) Yea this one is bad too. I had a girl tell me the other day her husband was in Kuwait...until I found out he's not in the military and he was there for a week for work. Still...A WEEK.

9. “Wow you must miss him?”
(This one also gets antoher big “duh”. Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they’re now divorced.) Nope, I actually like having him 7000 miles away.

10. “Where is he exactly? Where is that?”(I don’t expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it’s in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they’re on the news every night and in the papers every day —and on maps everywhere.) I get this one alot. But even the army people have no idea because my boyfriend happens to be on an airbase. So, even if you may have SOME idea of it over there...you probably have no clue where he's located. And please...why do you care?
11. “Well, he signed up for it, so it’s his own fault whatever happens over there.
(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn’t sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that “You’re welcome.” He’s still fighting for your freedom.) Oh, my boyfriend signed up for the reserves to go to school. Bite me.
12. “Don’t you miss sex! I couldn’t do it!”
(hmmm, no i don’t miss sex. i’m a robot. seriously…military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn’t withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.) I've never gotten this one, but if I did I would simply say "It's worth it."

13. “Well in my opinion…..”
(Stop right there. Yo, I didn’t ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I’m out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we’re trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.) Ugh. I hate when people say this. I don't like talk about politics, I never have. Just tell me you support my man and what he's doing and that's it. I don't care whether you're voting for Obama again next year.

14. “OH, that’s horrible…I’m so sorry!”
(He’s doing his job and he’s a badass. Don’t be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our MARINES/soldiers/airmen/coasties/sailors fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.) I'm not. He's doing a good thing. I'm super proud. I miss him everyday but I couldn't be more happy with what he's doing. And I only told you in the first place because I had to explain why the last email I got made me cry.

My additions to the list:

15. "I though they were pulling everyone out." Seriously? Don't you watch the news?
16. "You must be so proud." No, I'm disgusted...COME ON PEOPLE.
17. "Bet he looks great in uniform huh?" Of course he does, that's why I love him.

My Favorite:

18. "When was the last time you got to talk?"

That one really bugs me because to be honest...talking to him makes me happy and sad at the same time. And if I haven't talked to him in a few days I get really sad...and worried. And reminding me that we haven't talked in three days really bums me out.

Wish me luck tonight.

It's Been Awhile...

Oh Jeez! It's been a week and a half since my last post! Life has just been pretty crazyyyy.

Well lets see. Halloween weekend I went with some friends to the House of Blues downtown. It was a pretty crazy Halloween party going on. And we got in for free since my one friend from work used to work there. They were staying in a hotel...and Velle was very uncormfortable with that. Which I totally get. So I went there beforehand and got some pictures. I couldn't really drink because I had to drive home. But I still had fun (Ohhh yea To Do List!)   Some pictures...


Me and Kayla :)

Salute!

So then Sunday night I went with my best friend and her daughter (my gorgeous god daughter) trick-or-treating.

The most gorgeous 3 year old on planet Earth.

RAWR!

Then Monday was Halloween. And of course that meant dressing up at work. The theme was movie characters. And everyone went all out. We have a costume contest...first place got $100. I didn't win but the people who won did a really good job. (Plus I won last year so I don't think they would have picked me anyway)

We were Jay and Silent Bob :)



My friend Mary Beth as Ace Ventura.

Monday was also The End Of The Month. Which equals death at work. We pretty much have to get all our work done for the month on the last day. The sales people try to wrap up their deals so it ends up on their commission check for the month. It's just pure CRAZINESS. So I was at work until 8 pm... dressed like a dude.

Then the whole week just sort of blew by. It felt like I looked up and it was Friday.

What's been nice is that my boyfriend and I have been talking a lot this past week. We've talked about our plans, our fears, our relationship. Everything. I feel like everything that was left unsaid before he left is being said now. Mostly because he's probably more comfortable saying things over the phone than in person. But either way.

And I can tell that he sees just how much he misses me and therefore loves me.

Example. The flowers I got yesterday "Just because I miss you" (Note: He signed the card SPC Gray. I think he needs a break from the base haha)

I can't wait until the buds bloom. They're lillies. It's all ready looking nice today. But I'll post a picture once everything is fully bloomed.

It was the sweetest thing in the world though. It just makes me realize how lucky I am. My boyfriend is hundred of miles away from me and he still treats me like his queen. He can't do it in person, but he can surely do it far away in a different way.

How did I become the luckiest girl in the world?

That being said. I had a very rough day today. He found out his mission yesterday and he told me he's nervous. Which completely broke my heart. If he's nervous...I should be too. I want so badly for him to just stay on base 24/7. But of course I'm kidding myself. But he's been completely reassuring and wonderful to me, so I'm going to do the same for him.

But life's been good. I miss him more everyday and even though I have rough days, I'm doing it and super proud of myself for it too.