{ Wednesday, March 21, 2012 }

Since I was a child I have incredibly scary nightmares. I wake up some nights screaming, thrashing, the whole bit. But the majority of the time I wake up remembering something small, heart pounding, and can't fall back asleep for hours. And there's other times Velle tells me I jump in my sleep or fight him and I wake up not really remembering those.

Since Velle left my nightmares focus mainly on his deployment. I've had dreams where he's died, where he's missing, where I'm patiently waiting at the airport but he ignores me as he gets off the plane. That kinda of stuff. Mostly just the stuff that scares me to death. (I don't really think Velle will ignore me, it's more I'm afraid we won't know each other or be okay with each other.)

In the dream, they didn't know if he was alive or dead. Which in my waking scared me more because in reality I didn't know either. Days went by and I pretty much lost it.

These nightmares scare me to death. They bring to my forebrain all the fears I try all day to push back and push back. I wake up freaking out and don't really calm down until I talk to him again. Which most recently was about four days and the nightmare played over and over when I fell asleep until it was at the point I just couldn't sleep.

It's scary not knowing anythin.g about the person you love. What they're doing at that exact moment. What they're thinking about. Whether they're safe. It scares me to death. I feel like keeping myself incredibly busy keeps my mind off it...but when it's the middle of the night and you've dreamt the worst, how can you not think the worst?

I need some serious help with my anxiety or something.

I just can't wait til he comes home.

Camo Connect

{ Friday, March 9, 2012 }

I just wanted to quickly say I recently joined a site called Camo Connect. It's meant to specifically join military significant others together to support each other during deployments, distance and just everything military. I'm kinda obsessed with it now. It's really nice to see some pictures/etc of women going through what I go through.

Blogger does that for me too by that way :)

But anyway, thought you military S/O's would like to take a look.

Playing Catch Up

{ Monday, March 5, 2012 }
I haven't blogged in awhile. And I haven't really talked about what's going on with me... mostly because it's a whole bunch of nothing. I'm working constantly around 50 plus hours a week. And therefore, I'm not doing anything when I'm home besides relaxing, talking to Velle, etc.

I'm having some difficulty dealing with my friends here at home. They all seem to think I should be normal. I've been working a lot to keep myself busy, but it means I'm lazy the rest of the day. That being said, they also seem to think since he's been gone so long I won't be upset about it anymore. But it couldn't be further from the truth. I have moments of complete clarity and normalcy. There are other moments where I want nothing more than to go back to bed.

The problem with civilian friends as much as they want to be there for you. They can't. Not in the right ways. They don't understand why you want to put off a movie because a last minute Skype date. Why on earth you carry your phone everywhere and want it to be fully charged no matter what. They don't get why sometimes you burst into tears at the silly stuff. They try to be sympathetic..."I would be really sad too...Are you ok?...Do you need anything, anything at all?"

But they can't really know what it's like. I feel bad for my friends because I feel like they are trying to understand, but they also bug me. My one friend and I recently got into a little disagreement because after not hearing from my boy for a week he contacted me an hour before I was supposed to go over to her house and wanted to Skype. She told me it was a stupid excuse to blow her off. It really hurt my feelings because she completely did not get it. But then again, I can feel understand why she felt ditched.

It's complicated. I'm just in need of a close military spouse friend who can relate. And I need to find some balance between this crazy Army life and my civilian one too.