{ Wednesday, March 21, 2012 }

Since I was a child I have incredibly scary nightmares. I wake up some nights screaming, thrashing, the whole bit. But the majority of the time I wake up remembering something small, heart pounding, and can't fall back asleep for hours. And there's other times Velle tells me I jump in my sleep or fight him and I wake up not really remembering those.

Since Velle left my nightmares focus mainly on his deployment. I've had dreams where he's died, where he's missing, where I'm patiently waiting at the airport but he ignores me as he gets off the plane. That kinda of stuff. Mostly just the stuff that scares me to death. (I don't really think Velle will ignore me, it's more I'm afraid we won't know each other or be okay with each other.)

In the dream, they didn't know if he was alive or dead. Which in my waking scared me more because in reality I didn't know either. Days went by and I pretty much lost it.

These nightmares scare me to death. They bring to my forebrain all the fears I try all day to push back and push back. I wake up freaking out and don't really calm down until I talk to him again. Which most recently was about four days and the nightmare played over and over when I fell asleep until it was at the point I just couldn't sleep.

It's scary not knowing anythin.g about the person you love. What they're doing at that exact moment. What they're thinking about. Whether they're safe. It scares me to death. I feel like keeping myself incredibly busy keeps my mind off it...but when it's the middle of the night and you've dreamt the worst, how can you not think the worst?

I need some serious help with my anxiety or something.

I just can't wait til he comes home.


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