{ Tuesday, September 20, 2011 }
So I changed the name of my blog. Things got crazy today after my last post. He got a phone call... They aren't sure if he's going anymore. Paperwork, budgets, etc made it hard for them to say for sure if he's still deploying. They won't know for a few days. The emotional rollercoaster this has turned out to be is super intense. He could be going any day and we probably won't know until a couple days or the day before. Or he's not going at all. He's super disappointed. I feel bad but I am a little happy I at least get a few more days with him.

I was looking forward to getting a chance to be completely independent. I was looking forward to our reuniting after he got home. I feel like it would be like right after we started dating. This is crazyyy. Ugh. Hope we find out soon.

Two Days...

{ }
Ugh. He leaves on Thursdayyyy.

How did we get here?? Where did the time go?? And jeezzz, we have a ton to do still. I have class tonight and work tomorrow and I don't want to go. For a ton of reasons. I wanna be here every second he has left at home. I also need a minute to take care of all the things we have to do. He's literally no help sometimes. Picked up his nephew from preschool early today so we're watching Spongebob. While, my incredibly annoying boyfriend is passed out on the couch. Helloooooooo, you have packing. You have phone calls. You have a million things to do. Wake up!

I can't be mad at him though. And I can't bring myself to wake him up either. I just don't want to waste time nagging him. Plus, nagging never helps. Just makes people mad at each other.

Our apartment is a total disaster. But that's my project for Thursday after he leaves to keep myself busy. We still don't know what time he's leaving though.

I'm excited for tomorrow because we have date plans. But I'm dreading it too because it's my last full day with him before he leaves.

Ughh. The emotional turmoil is like, too much. I'm so in and out of life right now... it's crazy.

Errands and Fun

{ Saturday, September 17, 2011 }
It's his last weekend home. It's pretty bittersweet. I took today off work so we could spend time together all weekend. Except he's still asleep...I just don't want to wake him up.

We have so much to do! Tons of errands to run. Laundry. Packing. And I have homework out the wahzoooo.

We also have plans to go sailing with my parents tomorrow. And probably do dinner or something with his sister and her kids.

And all the while, I'm going to try and forget that this is his last weekend home. It'll be a challenge. I'm going to enjoy myself no matter what.

Just a small challenge leading me to the hardest one of all.


{ Monday, September 12, 2011 }
Disbelief is such a funny feeling.

I wake up in the middle of the night and look over at my boyfriend and I'm in such a state of disbelief. I can't believe he's going...for a year.

It's so weird thinking about the future. Things like getting married, having children, starting your dream career...they are so easy to see yourself doing. It's so easy to look forward to those things. You can literally see yourself buying a dress, having your first ultrasound, going to work.

But when you know something is about to happen in the future you don't really like, that you don't look forward to, it's weird to think about. You find yourself wondering what it'll be like. You worry. But you can't SEE it.

I literally have done this almost every night since we found out. I wake up in such a state of shock, I can't breathe. I reach for him and want to cry. A million thoughts go running through my brain. Worries, questions.

Getting ready to miss him is so funny too. I all ready miss him. Thinking about it, I just wish we could literally spend the next ten days with each other, and only each other, 24/7. I wish I could be with him for the next year 24/7.

Life is funny.

T-minus Two Weeks

{ Friday, September 9, 2011 }
It's been pretty wild lately. We've been getting a long a lot better, but I feel like he's a little off. He doesn't really seem like his normal self. But I think he's really coming to terms about it. I think both of us really thought that because he was in school (and for a lot of other reasons) he was never going to be deployed. As my father put it "It's his turn, he's escaped it for so long...His number just came up."

Guess that's fair, right?

Over the weekend, I met my friend's new boyfriend who just came home from Afghanistan two months ago. Poor guy was a tanker, and since there are no tanks there, he was put into infantry. I could just tell as he was talking to Velle that he was definately a little messed up about his deployment.

"I'm never going back."

"Make sure you're not going to 'such and such' because it's awful there."

"I'm sure you'll be fine."

That last one was dripping with sarcasm and it really annoyed me. Either say that with confidence, or don't say it all. (At least not in front of me.)

This guy also tried to start a fight with some guys at this party my friend was having. I'm not sure if that was the way he was before he left because I didn't know him. But still.

I just keep thinking about how much Velle might change and that's the scariest thing to me.

A Scary, Then Exciting Moment

{ Friday, September 2, 2011 }
So today was a wild trip.

I came home from work to an empty apartment and, a few minutes later, a text from Velle saying he was at his sister's, doing laundry.

"I have to leave tomorrow".

Tears. Lots of tears. I wrote back "What?" His reply: "My sergeant called to pack for 30 days." "What?" That's all I could say. I kept thinking: How could they do this? It's labor day weekend. How can they do this to me? He can't leave yet. I have so much time left. We've argued so much the last few days. I feel awful. He can't go tomorrow.

He never answered, so I freaked a little and rushed over to his sisters. When I got there, he was sitting on the porch. "I have to go to Vermont. They are in a state-of-emergency. My orders got cancelled."

Joy! He doesn't have to go to Afghanistan!! Just Vermont for a month. I'll take it!

Just then his sergeant called again. Turns out it was a huge mixup. His sergeant completely forgot he was supposed to be leaving (he's going with another unit) and thought that my boyfriend meant his orders on the base...those were cancelled.

His sister said to call him back and say we'd rather Vermont for a month than Afghanistan for a year.

It's so true. I would take him leaving tomorrow for a month...instead of leaving in a month for a year. I was so excited. But everything's back to the way it was this morning.

But I know better now. I'm going to stop fighting. I totally realized just how little time we have and how we should be spending it in love and happy with each other.

I love him so much. I'm going to miss him even more.